Forget the old-fashioned notion that children should be seen and not heard. Today we know that listening to children is an important parenting skill. But there is more to the art of effective listening than greets the ear. Many parents are often too busy lecturing their children to truly listen ... or they only pretend to listen.

Parents who listen well to their children may reap many rewards. Perhaps the most important of these is that listening enables parents to really know and enjoy their children. Improved behavior is another reward, because children who are heard don't have to use inappropriate means to capture parental attention. Listening is also one of the best ways to show your child love, respect, and attention.

It does take time and effort to actively listen with undivided attention, and to give encouraging responses. But with a few practical guidelines, even the busiest parents can find time to listen to a child who feels he or she has something important to say.

Be considerate:
If it's the "wrong" time or you're busy, say so but set a time when you can listen. Bedtime is a favorite time for youngsters to bring up serious topics, and if your child is not overly tired, it can also be a good time for a heart to heart talk.

Don't interrupt:
Let your child speak without breaking in, especially if the conversation is heated. Do not finish sentences or provide words for them.

Pay attention:
Be calm and maintain eye contact. Don't show your impatience by drumming your fingers on the table, repeatedly looking at your watch, shaking your foot, or watching TV.

Really listen:
Concentrate on hearing and understanding what your child is saying, instead of planning what you are going to say when it's your turn to talk.

Feedback is a must:
Encourage your child to keep talking with comments like, How nice! Oh, No! or Then what happened? Smile and use appropriate gestures, such as a sympathetic shrug or nod of your head.

Honesty pays off:
If you are uneasy about a topic or don't know the answer, admit it. It may be more appropriate to refer the youngster to a teacher, another family member, or the library. If your mind wanders for a moment (which happens to even the best listeners), ask the child to please repeat what he or she said. If you become distressed, call a time-out and resume the conversation after you calm down.

The eyes have it:
Watching the child's body language and facial expressions will increase your understanding of the message. This is especially important with younger children, since most have limited vocabularies until age 7 or 8.

Courtesy counts:
Avoid raising your voice, expressing anger, or humiliating your child. Save grammar or pronunciation corrections for another time. Stick to the subject your child has asked to discuss. Provide answers or give advice only if asked.

Acknowledge the message:
Even if you disagree, make it clear you have heard and understood the message. If you did not understand, ask questions. Paraphrase or summarize the message to show that you "got it."

Silence is golden:
Remember, the less you talk and the more you listen, the more your child will listen to you and hear what you are saying when you do talk!